My Mask
by ShotenBookstore
Summary: Rin's been hiding behind his mask for a while. But how long until it shatters? Triggers - Self harm, mentions of suicide, blood and language.
1. Cracking

**Hey everyone,** **WhereIsMyLife** **here with my first** **fanfiction** **for any fandom. Anyway, please Read &Review, and enjoy!**

Disclaimer - I do not own Blue Exorcist, or this would be canon.

Also -

 _Italic_ **is Rin thinking. This story will be from** **Rin's** **POV.**

-XXX-

Everyone's stares, full of fear, hatred and the desire to run away hit me as I walk into cram school. They all hate me. I grin at them. Same old goofy Rin Okumara, son of Satan himself.

I sat down in my usual seat, in the back corner of the room. Everyone else was sitting as far away as they could get. Which was fine by me. It meant no one was close enough to see my scars, my pulled-up sleeves, my hollow eyes or my too-thin body. They wouldn't give a shit though. 'Good, the Devil-child is dying.' I can see it in their faces.

Yukio walked in a few minutes after I did and started the lesson. I tried to listen, but fell asleep. I wasn't going to pass anyway. Not like anyone would care. _They all think I'm a monster. I should just die soon. But I have_ _Kuro_ _, and I don't want to leave_ _Yukio_ _alone. They don't hate me. I hope..._

I woke up halfway through the lesson. After that I just stared blankly into space. I didn't notice everyone leaving, or Yukio coming up to my desk. "Rin? The lesson's over. Let's go back to the dorm." The world came into focus.

"Oh, yeah. O-okay." My shaky reply bothered me. I wanted to sound okay. I didn't.

"Are you okay, Nii-san?" Yukio seemed concerned. I felt my emotions rising, threatening to send a crack through my all ready shaky mask. "I'm fine!" I smiled.

If you smile people think you're okay. That's what they want to see. They won't look past the mask and see your real emotions, because they don't need to. Because 'everything is fine, Rin's smiling.' I can put up a convincing mask, I hope. Enough to fool Yukio, usually.

But I needed to leave. I could feel my mask starting to shatter under the weight of my emotions. I hadn't cut all day.

"Yeah, let's go. Race you!" Hoping he couldn't hear the falseness in my excitement, I stood up, took a running start and jumped out the window. Landing softly. Scrambling up a building. Jumping along the roofs until I got to ours. Same thing as everyday.

Because everyone hated me, why would I want to walk with them? Because everyone hated me, why would they let me be near them? Because everyone hated me... why can't I do it? Why can't I drive the knife in all the way? Yukio and Kuro. They would be sad if I left. So I have this for now.

I took out my favorite and oldest toy. A small pocket knife Shiro gave me when I was 11. I actually have many toys from Shiro. A razor I stole and a piece of metal that broke off when I destroyed something are my favorite toys from him.

 _Stupid old man. He didn't love me. He lied._ _Yukio_ _lied. My 'friends' are all lies._ I broke. Pocketing the small knife and taking out the metal shard with a small smile. It was about the size of my thumb, and sharp enough to make a lot of blood fall.

Grinning through the tears, which had welled up from my shattered my mask unnoticed, I tore into my arms. A zig-zag on the left. The blood splattered on the floor. A swirling star on the right. More scars for me.

Because of my shitty REAL 'dad', the cuts healed within 5 minutes, leaving only a thin white line. But if it's deep enough, it gets a darker line that takes longer to heal. And hurt more.

As the physical hurt started to fade, so did the emotional. 'That's bad! Stop, it doesn't help! You should just talk!' Hah. It's not bad, and it does help. It's my body, what the hell do you care? And I'm a DEMON. You hate me. Like hell someone would talk to me. I don't deserve to live.

As the years passed, this was my oldest toy. The first time I used it was when I was 12. I heard about it through someone who came to the church. So I tried it. At first, it hurt. Then I realized it helped. So I kept cutting. It hurt more back then. I hurt less inside, but more outside. How ironic.

Then I came to True Cross. I was happy. I didn't need it. But I kept it, because I think I knew, even then, that I was going back to it.

I never was good at keeping secrets. But I learned to keep my biggest, for Yukio. So he wouldn't worry. My little brother.

My little brother... lied to me. Lied to me about so many things. He doesn't love me. He KNEW. He probably hates me. My mask dissolved.

Laughing and crying at the same time. Story of my life. I drive the piece of metal into my leg.

-XXX-

 **Thanks for reading!  
I might continue this ****oneshot** **if I get enough support, or if I feel like it, which could be tomorrow or never. Please review if you liked it (or didn't).**

 **Bye for now,  
** **WhereIsMyLife** **.**


	2. Alone

**Well, here it is. Chapter 2! The few people who reviewed, followed and** **favorited** **, you are more then I could ever hope for, this being my first story. Thank you.**

 **I don't really have an update schedule, and don't expect one. I have school and shit.**

 **By the way, all of the nervous habits (I guess that's what they are) Rin has in this story are things I actually do.**

 **Also** **, I'm looking for a beta, if anyone is interested.**

 _Disclaimer - I do not own Blue Exorcist or any of the characters mentioned here._

 _I also did not make the quote 'if all the stars in the universe except ours imploded today, how many lifetimes would it be before we knew we were alone?' That is by Ransom Riggs in Ms. Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children_

 _-_ XXX-

I grabbed the piece of metal imbedded in my leg. For obvious reasons, I don't care that it hurts when I pull it out. My god damn demon side will heal me soon.

I suppose I had fallen asleep. Shit. When I had closed my eyes, the sun was just starting to set. Now it was gone, replaced by the full moon and millions of stars, sparkling and shining in the dark sky. Which made me think. If all the stars in the universe except ours imploded today, how many lifetimes would it be until we knew we were alone?

 _Alone_... I'm alone. But probably not for long. Yukio was on a mission, probably coming back soon, actually. So I had to do something about the large blood stains, not yet dry, covering the roof of our dorm. I could always lie to Yukio, but that wasn't safe. He could see through my slipping facade of 'I'm fine!'.

I could only see one way out of this. Besides, the person I was asking for help  
already knew. I was sure of that much. _Crap, him?_

-XXX-

I sighed. _Well, lets just do it.._. So I jump along the rooftops to my legal guardian, Mephisto's office.

I knock a few times, then just barge in. Mephisto was sitting at his desk, calm. Though he obviously knew.

"Look, you know what I do, can you clean up the mess on the roof?" Without noticing, one of my hands had found its way to my mouth, and I was now tearing at my cracked lips.

He just grinned and agreed to send someone. I got the feeling he was very amused with the whole thing.

My bottom lip started to bleed. All alone, a single drop of blood fell. All alone.

-XXX-

When I got back to me and Yukio's dorm, the blood was already gone. The small shard of metal was lying on the ground, clean and shining. Fucking Mephisto. But I grabbed it and stuffed it in my pocket anyway.

I always carry a toy with me. I don't know when it started, but I've been doing it for a while.

Flashback

 _A small knife fell out of my pocket. I guess I had bumped while I was running. My twin, who was lagging a few yard behind me, noticed. I tried to grab it, but_ _Yukio_ _got it first. The sleeve of my sweatshirt pulled up, just enough to expose a scar or two. Luckily,_ _Yukio_ _didn't see._

 _Strangely, he didn't chew me out right there for whatever. He just held it carefully and walked back just as carefully to_ _Shiro_ _. Annoyed, I followed behind, tearing my lips. I just wiped off the small and bloody pieces of skin I had torn off onto my shorts._

 _Yukio_ _and_ _Shiro_ _had a long conversation behind a locked door, me still worriedly tearing at my lips the whole time._

End Flashback

I still don't know what happened that day. Or what happened to my knife.

-XXX-

 **Another** **kinda** **short chapter, I know. Sorry. But I got I done.  
Not much action this chapter, huh? I'll try to do something in Chapter three.**

 **By the way, how do you want this story to end? Suicide, healing, something else, or alternate endings?**

 **Thanks for reading, see you soon!**


	3. Author's Note - I Suck

**Super late, and it's still not here.**

 **Everyone who reviewed, it means the world. Thank you.**

 **I know this is a HUUGE dissapointment, but I couldn't get to writing My Mask this week.**

 **Shit happens. Sorry.**

 **I also need more answers to the 'how to end this' question so I can figure out how to continue the story.**

  
Sorry everyone.

Life, out


	4. A Moment Alone

**Shout-out to kayspaz15 for being an awesome beta!**

 **Also, what do you guys in the reviews think of the poem?**

* * *

I never wanted to be here,  
When just looking at you fills me with fear,  
and I just want to get away.  
With a casual 'hey",  
I'm dying.  
Because of you,  
there is nothing I can do.

-XXX-

No. No, no, no. nononononononono-

"Hey Rin, let's go." Bon said.  
I jumped. Panicking, I think I yelled "Okayraceyouletsgonow!" and ran out, my damn demonic speed and strength taking me out of cram school in a split second.

Halfway down the long corridor, I paused. Bon was yelling something from the open doorway. With my excellent hearing I caught every word. "Rin, you demonic little shit, come back or this holy water will find its way onto your head!" While his tone was light and joking, his intentions weren't. Someone must have told him to act like he would really give a shit if I died. I knew he wouldn't. Hell, he would want to be the one to kill me. They all hate me and nothing would change that.

Hearing him say that was like being stabbed through the chest. Over and over, until my insides were mangled and bloody. And it still hurt. It hurt, and it hurt, and it hurt, until I just couldn't take the hurt anymore. Even then I had to endure it. All the damn hurt.

I was so hurt I couldn't even cry. Heh, I didn't even know that was possible. But of course it was. In my shitty life not even worth living, anything bad is possible. Anything can go wrong and the only thing I could look forward to was the end.

The end. Its supposed to be my happily ever after, the, 'you win, great job' sorta deal. Hah. Not in my half-dead life. No happy endings for the demon child. The son of Satan shouldn't get one of those. After all, his blue flames kill.

In my mind I flashed back to the day Bon said that, right after Mephisto 'saved' me from the Vatican executing me. -"Your flames kill people, dammit!"- Sorry Bon, my flames are only killing demons, especially this half demon monster.

-XXX-

The reason I was panicking was that me and Bon got called to do some quote unquote, 'special training' with some other professor that hated me. I mean, they all hated me, so of course whoever this was probably knew who I was and hated me as well.

Managing to evade Bon, I ducked into a bathroom and hid.

They hate me. They hate me. They hate me they hate me they hatemetheyhatemetheyhatemetheyhateme. Taking out the shard of glass I had in one of my pockets, I rolled up the sleeve on my sword hand. The hand I use for my goddamn demon power. -"Those flames kill people!" "What is the son of Satan doing at this school?!"- Sonofsatansonofsatansonofsatan. I couldn't think anymore.

So I did the only thing that helped me think. It didn't just help me think anymore, it helped me live. I cut.

Deep slashes, horizontally down my arm. Crossing over each other, creating a pattern that was both random and meaningless, yet had so much more meaning to me than the rest of my dead life.

It wasn't enough. The small gashes in my skin weren't enough to let out all the pressure. Rolling down my arm was my blood. My red, human blood.

Why don't they understand? I'm human. I have feelings, but to them I'm only a demon. A fucking bloodthirsty demon out to kill them. They don't understand and they never will. As I looked over my arm, I found an area that wasn't criss-crossed with scars and pain.

The pain is welcoming. More so than anyone could ever be, and that includes even Yukio. Pain is my home now. I find my comfort in pain, instead of a loved one, or home. Another reason I'm not like them.

Raising my arm to my face, I let out my demonic power, but just enough that my fangs appeared. My cuts didn't heal, despite the blue aura surrounding me. Good. I can be... more human. Like them.

Like them. I bit down hard on my arm.

There was something more powerful about it than the others. A sort of... personal feel about the bite marks. It helped me think more than a shard of glass ever could.

My fangs are my new toy. But I don't think anything will stop me when even my fangs aren't enough.

I will die when my fangs aren't enough. I can see that much.

But for now, they're enough.


End file.
